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Our past can be an Asset?

It cultivates us into becoming better people who are more tolerant and understanding of others. The so-called bad experiences are lessons that will help you grow. We are not prisoners of our past, and our past is not a life sentence.

However, the only way we are going to get to a place of peace is to let the heavy luggage go.

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Feelings like fear, sadness, anger and guilt need to be healed.  But first we need to trace back the feelings that hurt and only then can we forgive, trust, and understand ourselves.

  • So by feeling anger and not running from it, we break free from indifference and being numb and connect to love and passion.

 

  • By connecting to sadness we feel our wants can’t be met and connect to the sweetness of a different kind of love.

 

  • Equally fear can bring out vulnerability and we then can use discernment to make better decisions in the future.

 

  • And, last but not least by feeling sorrow we take the power away from what can’t change to what is possible in the future.

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Why we remain stuck

I would like to share some of the tools that have helped me with fear. These practical tools got me out of my comfort zone that kept me stuck and uninspired.

Blockages and being stuck

Although we are all special and many talents in many areas our past can block us from finding our true potential and keep us stuck.

Yet the ugly truth is that you can’t

  1. Forget the past,
  2. Ignore your feelings,
  3. Wait for someone to acknowledge your hurt and apologize,
  4. Wait for healing time,
  5. Wallow in the pain,
  6. Recreate the past.

 

By doing the aforementioned it will result in problems like addiction, postponing happiness, pain, and depression. Or even being comfortable in feeling helplessness.

Another block is the in the present conversations with everyone you meet we are habitually surrounded by the negativity of people complaining about the weather, the economy, their spouses and the list continues.  This creates a mental image in our minds that turn into our negative self-image. We may feel stuck in a circumstance like in a marriage or stuck in a job that is slowly destroying you. We can have fears from just about everywhere and not realize the effects it has on us.

However, if you choose to focus on the sadness, regret, and revenge that will be cultivated.

Retelling your story will keep you stuck there. You will remain the victim. Stories like:

I am right in being stuck because they wronged me.

Someone has the responsibility to make me feel better.

If I surrender to the way they treat me I am making their behavior acceptable.

I need them to apologize.

My life is unfair

I can’t heal because they hurt me so much.

Some people also have blockages like stuffing or hiding the negativity that could lead to addiction to mask the pain.

You are a product of your thoughts this is your identity.  So a negative past and living in the present with negativity could be an identity of abused, victimized or wronged in some way.

 

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Decision Making in 4 steps:

1. Clarify what I really want?
    Will I have the strength to reach its outcome?

 

2. Will this decision negatively impact the needs of others?
     How can I deal with it?
3. What are the risks and consequences of this decision and what is the worst thing  that could         happen?
     What exactly are the roadblocks? How can I execute each obstacle?
4.  Am I making a positive statement about the person before I state my truth?
      Words, am I using I feel statements before confronting the issue?
       Am I using an accusing tone or body language?

 

decsion making

GRIEF IN 5 STAGES

Divorce is a scary process for many and actually going through it can take you on a roller coaster ride of emotions.

Funnily enough though, when I first decided to divorce I felt this over whelming feeling of freedom and that I was going to conquer the world and I was holding the key to unlock my future. But this soon changed with a knock door and i opened it to find fear that badged in.

Fear started to consume my daily life it followed me to work, at home when I went out and socialized, leaving me feeling insecure about how I was to make ends meet and bring up my daughters, how was I to keep a house and bring up children all by myself and that was I going to be lonely for the rest of my life.

I felt like I was in the pits of sadness. At this stage while I thought I was the only one experiencing such emotions I remember reading the stages of grief by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. She fantastically described the emotions that I was going through and made me feel normal and that it was ok to feel what I was feeling.

So after the initial feeling of expecting to take on the world and that I felt I had my chains broken, I went on a downward spiral explained better by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and it looked something like this:

  1. Denial  

I didn’t want to believe it was over and was continuously waiting for the phone to ring or for my ex to come home and be with me and the kids and take over so I didn’t have to bear the responsibilities of the house alone.

  1. Anger

When it was clear that he was not coming back I tasted the bitter reality of what he had actually done to me the betrayal and the years I had invested on him to care and be there for his every need.  I wanted him to pay and I wanted revenge. Then it was totally clear that I was not going to achieve this because he was living the life of Riley and I wasn’t.

  1. Bargaining

So this led me to the bargaining stage where I felt that if I dressed up a little sexier or if I acted more desirable well then maybe I could seduce him back into my arms.  This or course didn’t work so then I went into the feeling of depression.

  1. Depression

I then felt drowned, alone and at rock bottom and was crying about my inadequacies. I compared myself to others and asked why I am so incomplete and it was in this empty void that I found the strength to kick and push myself up and fight against the status-cue.  I used all my strength to fight against depression with the help of psychologists, books, you tube videos and family and friends and come to the surface.

  1. Acceptance

As the saying goes it is in the darkness that the dawn appears.  Once I made a conscious effort to become a better version of me I started to make the baby steps needed to change my life.

I went back to university and got a degree in psychology. I expanded my business and invested in property. Then I wrote a book about divorce.

So just like getting a divorce life does have its hardships.  It doesn’t mean you should stay stuck in a grief stage though. Surprisingly enough Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ modal is true for anything new you start. As I have an English Institute and have witnessed this year after year. I see it in the students who want to learn a new language follow the same exact steps.  Starting with the expectation of being fluent. But this means hard work and it taking up their free time and they say if I have fun tonight I can work tomorrow. Tomorrow has other commitments which leads to depression. They are not in line with your goal. Those who accept this fact can then start to work and as the saying goes a dream + hard work = success you begin the process of learning the language.

SAD